1. I have reached the age where I can't function without my glasses, especially when they're empty.
2. I don’t mean to brag, but I'm pretty sure I'd be worth at least 50 cattle in some parts of the world.
3. My new diet plan consists of watching the show "Hoarders" every time I'm hungry.
4. Kids today think that If at first you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
5. When People Magazine votes someone as "Sexiest Man", do they really need to specify that he's alive?
6. Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me
7. Am I the only person who assumed the wolf from The Three Little Pigs was the same one from Little Red Riding Hood?
8. Maybe the people that say money can’t buy happiness are just buying the wrong stuff?
9. When I was little I used to close the fridge door really slowly just to see when the light went out.
10. I think that it's amazing how quickly I can convince myself that I didn't need to do today the things I needed to do today.